Dissertating

Writing a dissertation, at least for me so far, has been a bit disconcerting. I thought that because I had seminar papers for the basis of each of my chapters, that the way would be clear and I would know what to do. I didn't expect it to be easy. I am willing to work hard. But there is a difference between working hard and having no idea what to do. If I knew what to do, I would certainly do it.

The problem seems to be, I don't have any idea how to transform this seminar paper into a dissertation chapter. I am working on Pamela right now, and I have this seminar paper that I am very proud of. Maybe that's a problem. I didn't get a lot of feedback from the professor other than stylistic (I will eventually eliminate passive voice from my writing. I am beginning to wonder if this is somehow a personality indicator?) So, I'm not sure what to do with it. I have made some additions - trying to beef up the theory parts. I actually added about a page and a half of theory stuff to it today, then realized that all of that probably needed to go in the introduction chapter, so I took it back out again. I have been reformating it a bit, added a paragraph that reaffirmed my argument and laid out the direction of the paper. And, still, all I have is 17 pages. I probably need at least 10 more, but I don't know how I am going to get them.

I am tempted to go ahead and give the chapter to my committee, just so I can get some feedback and direction. I feel like I need someone to tell me, "Do this." It probably wouldn't hurt to get in on a writing group, but I'm not sure how to do that either.

I probably need to be reading more theory, but I can't, at this point, see how having another go at reading Judith Butler is going to translate into more pages for my Pamela chapter. I want to be making progress!

System Error

You know how when you are working on a computer and suddenly there's a noise and a screen pops up with some vague and threatening message, like "System Error" and suddenly everything goes nuts? That's how my life feels right now. I was late to volunteer teach my ESL class this morning, partly because I am lazy and partly because I didn't factor in time to scrape the frost off my car. As I am driving down the interstate at an illegal speed, I hear a startling "Crack!" and realize that what was once a tiny, almost invisible chip in my windshield has become a stark crack that runs all the way across. I didn't get to meet with my professor this afternoon because I was having my windshield repaired. I will now probably have to make another drive to Gboro this week. I was late to have my windshield repaired because I was on campus, trying to find a printer that printed in colored ink, and then to find a working terminal so I could load money onto my id card, so I could pay for colored ink prints. My life has become unmanageably caught up in trivial details. It takes 35 minutes to get to Gboro. Another 5-10 to walk from wherever I find to park (oh, and the parking deck is under construction too). If I try to get to the gym to workout for 30 minutes, there is an hour and half involved just getting there, parking, getting inside, changing, then afterwards, showering, changing again, trying to make my hair look decent. Is this worth it? I feel like I can't get anything done because I am always trying to get to the place where I could get something done.